Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
