Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
