I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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