I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
