Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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