someone threw a dead crab at me
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
