No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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