If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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