2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
