so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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