I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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