I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
