Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
