Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Small penises have feelings too.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
