I could make wine with my vomit
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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