And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it's great music for shaving your balls
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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