The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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