based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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