No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
