Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
