My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
