I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
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So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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