FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
