If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
