Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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