I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
