We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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