I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
