She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
