Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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