I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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