I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
