people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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