I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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