So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
