I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
