Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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