I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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