I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
