I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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