My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
