Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
