Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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