I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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