he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
