the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
