I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
