it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
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my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
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