Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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