She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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