Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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