does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
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I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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