the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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