I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
