Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
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When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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