Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
