Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
