Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Farmville is her only friend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
