How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
