Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
