I am puke
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
