watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
