Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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